I’m not one for being responsible for people getting angry. In fact, I hate when people are angry. I hate the word anger, although sometimes I feel like I invented the emotion. Apart from everybody else, I direct my anger inwardly and just laugh like a baboon whenever I upset someone and they confront me about it. I think that confrontation itself inspires fear within me, making me hyperventilate. It’s true. I actually fear confrontation like I fear spiders. A mellow people pleaser I am, though not always for my benefit. I should have lived in the sixties, smoking my weed, driving my VW Kombi around with the flowers painted on the side and not caring whether I drive off a cliff or care to notice the sudden change in colors around me. Which is a very bad thing, of course, being so mellow. But only used in a different context. There is a difference between fear of confrontation (Google told me the word might be Allodoxaphobia, I’m not sure, but it’s related) and allowing people to sprint up and down my ass. That I won’t allow, otherwise I just try to please people as much as I can, when I can. It’s easy and uplifting. A smile and friendliness helps a lot. Alas, no confrontation. There is this one blog I read trying to find the term used for this irrational fear about a person who did not even want to open her e-mails in fear of some negative opinion about something. I usually do that too. Especially if I have to cancel something or say something knowing what I said might upset the other person a great deal. Internet told me there is simple ways fixing or curing that problem, although I did not bother to read it. I am fixing myself on my own terms. Maybe I like being the way I am, it gives me the freedom to do things for myself even though I am a dependent bastard. Today I went to the shops with my friend’s car. I was gone half an hour for I had to greet some people who knows me or want to pick up a chat. Once they start talking it’s difficult to get away. So, half an hour later I arrived home and my friend was angry with me staying away so long without me telling her that I was busy chatting to who knows who. She confronted me about it, so my face lit up, should have gone red, and I started laughing my ass off for I could not muster the strength or strain the fear to tell her that her anger was uncalled for, her car did not break down or anything, and that I am still alive choking on my anger through laughter and idiocy for not trying to pick a fight. Maybe I am just scared that I would go ape crazy and tear the house apart. That was a minor confrontation and everything is the way it was before I went to the shops. Still, this blockade of fear drives me crazy. I should be the one to speak my mind when confronted. I should be mopping the floor with anyone’s ass if they dare confront me. Alas, blaming my upbringing in some regard, this is who I am. Maybe one day I will blow my top. The world will end then. Better write that down or save this in data files. Fear me, humans. 😉
Some of the tunes I listen to are calming. Inward anger tend to burn my head like indigestion might give you heartburn. Calming music frees that negativity and blows it away like the wind might blow away a feather. Easy and quick. I have come across this song (I hope the posted link actually works for I don’t know how to post an actual song on this thing), the transformation song in that movie, Brother Bear, where the young man transformed into a bear after killing a bear himself. A great movie, actually. Anyway, this song is not actually peaceful, and lyrics written in another language (I think Bulgarian) which I refuse to translate, but the melody itself is meaningful enough to inspirit the soothing qualities of a hot bath or a summer night breeze. Makes me forget about the fears and uninvited thoughts and quells negativity and depression. It’s good, it’s good.
Lovely day today.