Usually I’m calm, collected. I don’t let things get me down without a fight. Today I want to scream at the top of my lungs, scream at someone, or punch them in the face. That probably won’t happen, I hate violence, however, it sure would have felt good for once. I hate when people make or break as they like without thinking of the implications. For instance, annoying me greatly. But I sorted that out real quickly. The pests, that is. It makes me so mad, I’m scared of myself sometimes; all red in the face and heart pounding through my chest, my hands shaking, unable to hold eye contact. Confrontation. Is that my fear presenting itself disguised as rage? What if that rage is disguise for something worse boiling deep down inside of me, ready to pop like a balloon? I have never been in a fight in my life, except arguments with my sister. That barely counts. When will the time come for something bad to happen? I mean really, really bad? So much energy. When I get angry like that, I get a whole lot of energy, I’m not able to sit in one place for more than a minute at a time. Get up, do this, do that, boiling, festering inside, ready to BLOW UP and . . .
then I look outside and see the rain and I’m as calm as a kitten. Rain calms me. Cleanses, right? New birth, right? All new things with the splash of a raindrop. It’s been like this the whole day. Everything is wet, even my socks, my bike. After a while, when I’m myself again, some kind of irritation comes knock-knock-knocking on my heaven’s door. Why do people drive all the time? Why do there have to be different types of cars? Why does houses need to be built in different styles, some more excessively so than others? The WHY question keeps company to irritation. Some of it probably have its answers, given by different individuals and their views, but mine has no answer. There is no point to make that roof pointier than others when the general idea is still fixed. No need to spend more, no need to waste more space, no need for more useless accessories when the basic principal applies. Maybe I think too much about everything, or wonder about everything. There has got to be more than everything.
I’m lazy now. I think that sets in after irritation . . . Whiling away with this post, browsing the Internet, wiling away at escaping work earlier. Just have to grin and bare it, then. My energy levels seems depleted. I think If I pedal home in the rain again after I’ve locked up, that would make my spirits soar . . . . I actually brought a jacket, so I’ll be able to listen to my music en route.
That must be all . . .