Yesterday

“You had a relapse?”

“I said I’m fine.’

“When was this?”

“Yesterday, now drop it.”

“Who have you told?”

“No one. No one knows. Knew. Knows.”

“What did you feel?”

“Do we really have to go into this? It’s over.”

“What did you feel?”

“Nothing . . .”

“I know you’re lying.”

“No, really, there was nothing. I don’t even know how I got through the day. It was weird.”

“Anything else?”

“Probably remorse.”

“Remorse?”

“This guy I know. He’s lost almost everything, including this irrelevant belief we all know as hope. The Fates are alert and waiting for things to develop down here, and they don’t grant true any wishes one might still have. Selfish bitches. Ha ha.”

“What are you talking about?”

“We’re talking about yesterday, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, but what’s this man got to do with anything?”

”It made me realize how superfluous my relapse was. Don’t you think?”

“I guess. But we’re talking about you now. How did you get through it?”

“He could still smile. That was what made me cringe. In disgust? In Fear? He could, and I wanted to ruin this world and everything on it. Of course, nothing was true. It couldn’t be. But his was.”

“I’m not following you. Did you feel like ending everything? You know that’s a bad thing, and you should always call when something like this happens.”

“No. it wasn’t like that. Yes, I was angry and crazy all at the same time, and I wanted to crawl under a rock and become it, or become a dust particle and float around until the first rain falls. For what reasons I’m not entirely sure. However, it was there and knowing that this man, this person with an entirely different life than mine, has it so much worse, I could have scolded myself for being such an arse. I was selfish, but unfortunately that did not change anything. I have an internal problem that goes away after a while. His problems are as real as you and me, as the trees and the skies, and it never leaves. It’s a constant and staring him in the face each day. Yet, he smiles. How pathetic am I to think I have it so much worse, because fleeting thoughts instructs false truths?”

“…”

“I told you I was fine, didn’t I? My relapse was but a minor inevitability. Now leave be.”