I’ve felt a little compressed these last two days. What am I doing with my life? Haven’t the slightest clue. Indecision is the culprit, spinning webs of confusion throughout my mind, and ultimately just exhausts me to a point where mind switches off and instinct takes over. It seems feeling like an animal contributed to my decision.
So I’ve made up my mind.
Kibbutz, meaning ‘community’ of sorts, is a communal settlement in Israel, or a type of farm, if you will, which I will be joining having made my arrangements in the next year. A friend and I discussed this at length, to which she told me of her experience there, and how life changing it was. She warned me that too much research would never prepare me for the experience, so I’ve only read a few things – what it’s going to be like living there, what to expect in the ways of voluntary work, as you go as a volunteer, and whatever have you, and it would seem that this decision might take my life into a whole new direction. Perhaps not, no one will know what the future holds, and will only be revealed as the appropriate time announces, but it’s something to do other than going nowhere.
As a naive child, believing what the ‘grownups’ had told about changing the world, be as successful as one can be, ‘make the difference’, they did not prepare me for the wake-up call that is adulthood, carrying all that into the fold. There is nothing as debilitating as coming to terms with the difference between what I believed then, to what I know and believe now. Was it all lies, or just a means of motivation? Did they believe what they told us, being teachers; fathers; family friends, or did they even care? Don’t get me wrong, I agree in regards to making the difference and being successful, but that only applies to those who want to study, want to make lots of money and ultimately chase the ‘dream’, whatever that might be. As a fantasist, a dreamer, an idealist who doesn’t care about any scientific to corporate breakthroughs, any political disputes or compromise, I want to live my life by living on the whims of myself this time. Giving a helping hand, smile, live free, travel and see the world, for when I die, I would like to be able to say that I’ve seen everything, I’ve seen how every country has come to be the way they are, successful or no, and no office or limiting career has contained the wild beast that only lived on instinct alone. As selfish as we are, it’s the world that gives us lodging, the earth that provides us with food. I want to think of her for a change. It’s us who’ve decided to profit from that given and make living an ultimate nightmare, so we have to live up to those consequences.
I don’t have any roots. It was cut off at birth, and that was the umbilical cord that still connected me to the placenta. After that, my spirit has fled and fused with the universe. I am in everything and everything is in me. I have to venture out, and explore everything there is to know. One other thing my friend also told me was that when about this Kibbutz, she came to know herself better, as well. She was a shy girl (she told me), introverted and had difficulty at making conversation, and after the Kibbutz experience, she does not shut up, which to me, if you’re speaking things I approve of, is a very good trait, as I hate making conversation myself. Perhaps afterwards I will never shut up. I don’t want restraints, not even in speech. I want to be the real me that resides deep down inside. Fact is, no one is true to him/herself when not doing what you really want to do . . . not even me. I’m not going to elaborate on that, for I won’t what misguided decisions people can make, but if they’re happy, who am I to deny them that when in fact my happiness lies elsewhere.
The Kibbutz is just a start, and after that, who knows where the winds will take me. Eurasia, Northern Africa, the America’s, Australia. The main idea is to see and feel and express the world as I want, rather than just taking it by word of mouth. Then, just then will I have the experience, knowledge, inspiration to become the artist I want to be. I did not have the opportunity yet, but this is just as good as any.